Exit the Dragon

2024 was a bit of a weird one for me. I started my year still pursuing a graduate degree in cybersecurity but then took the plunge and switched to Technology Governance and Sustainability. It was a big gamble, but turned out to be the right call and I've been really enjoying my studies thus far, learning something new every week. It really seems like this is what school should feel like and I fail to see the point in studying something you already know or have worked in for a quarter of a century. In many ways I'm completely out of my comfort zone studying economics, finance and philosophy. The first essays have been rough. But I'm getting better and that's what it's all about - getting out of your comfort zone and expanding your horizons.

I was also admitted to journalism school and am looking forward to applying those skills in my life. Did my work placement in the photo/video department. I got a job as a chef at a local orphanage and later as IT manager of an international marketing agency. I quit both after just a few months, but for vastly different reasons. My relationship with work has changed drastically in recent years. I think less of it as something to pursue (a career) and more as just a means of earning an income. I feel I need money more than a career at this point in my life. Those two things were intrinsically linked in my mind and it feels logical to separate the two. I still hope to find a new career at some point though. Maybe in teaching...

I was able to break the cycle and completely give up smoking for two months. I still do it occasionally, but no longer because I have to. Or at least that's what I like to tell myself. I completed the renovations in my bathroom and now my apartment doesn't smell of raw sewage every week. Pretty significant quality of life improvement! :)

I even managed to make a fair bit of music which is cool considering I didn't have my own rehearsal space in Tallinn. Played in a bunch of jams and gave a few DJ gigs. Wrote a couple of new tunes for the piano. I subbed on percussions for a friend's band at the Wibes festival in Finland which was a lot of fun. To top it all off, I'm now the drummer for Fuzzolini - a kickass noise/kraut rock group from Tallinn and I can't wait for our first gig. Oh, and my music video was nominated for Best Music Video at the Short Stop film festival!

Code-wise I did a few things here and there. There was even a real opportunity to resurrect Servo, but the timing for that project just wasn't right. I find that my coding projects have started to hang on the question "is there an easier way to do this?". Not in terms of some new language or development framework, but of the technical design of the system. I've found that you can drastically simplify things when you keep asking that question. Sometimes so much so that you end up writing nothing at all. I did manage to complete my iTunes Store replacement though.

The problem is, all of that is overshadowed by a romantic relationship I was involved in for just a few short months. Although they didn't feel that short at the time. Met a girl and fell in love. Head over heels. The kind of love where you surrender all your defences and critical faculties. Had never experienced anything like this. Unfortunately, she didn't feel the same way. At times it seemed as though she did. Feel at least something. Which makes this whole experience so confusing and painfful and why I'm still struggling to find closure. It's one thing for someone to not be interested in you, it's a totally different thing for them to reject you after getting to know you.

I don't even think we should have stayed together. A part of me totally understands her. The brutal truth is, I had treated others the same way. Karma's a bitch. Not that I believe in some cosmic justice - the universe is amoral, after all. I just think it's important to reflect on our own actions in moments like these. Now I really know how those girls felt and it aint good. To be fair to myself, I never blamed them for the outcome. I would have never guessed "It's not me, it's you" was an actual thing. Until now.

But I'm still bitter and disappointed about the fact that two middle-aged (seemingly) mutually attracted adults couldn't appreciate what they had. To enjoy life before we finally start to decompose. And so in the end there was nothing instead of something.

Do people really believe that being alone is such a great thing? Haven't we had enough already? Or is the female experience of online dating really that different? I tried it recently, but it looked like the same lifeless meat market. Which makes sense. After all, their business model is not getting people together. It's about keeping people lonely and hungry for affection. Lots of swiping, some likes, some messages, zero contact. Sometimes I wonder if the individualism society has been pushing so heavily all these decades has finally caught up with us. Rendering us incapable of human connection to the point that real emotions cause anxiety. She was the second woman I've ever professed my love to and both of them left shortly after.

A part of me still misses her. Not so much for what we were, but more for what we could have been. Can you miss something that you've never had? Well, apparently I can. Giving up hope for us has been much more difficult than giving up nicotine. Affection is an addiction, it seems. But I would still say that "hopeless romantic" is a misnomer for it is those who don't believe in romance that are without hope.

For those of you out there still capable of loving - I salute you! Rejection hurts like a motherfucker and it's so easy to become cynical about love. To be ashamed of your own "naivety". Or blame it all on "women" or "men". Let's not do that! Love is the most beautiful thing humans can produce. If your supposed partner just doesn't get it then I guess that's their problem. We should honestly feel sorry for them. To not understand what all those love songs are about? How sad.

Also, protect your boundaries! I blew past all of mine in the hopes of winning her over and I really regret doing so. It's easy to lose sight of them when you're that infatuated by someone. All you want is for them to feel what you're feeling and to feel something back. If you're an emotional person, but she's afraid of feelings then you should probably talk about it. And if she doesn't want to or even worse - thinks that there's something wrong with you for having them - then there's probably nothing left to do but part ways.

Writing all this down really helped put things in perspective. Which was another thing I discovered this year - keeping a diary can really clear your head. On that note, I would say that overall, 2024 was a year of great learning and personal growth. I feel I'm much wiser today than I was at the end of 2023.

So, all the still-lonely lovers of the world - stand up and be counted! There's a lot of us out there. Let's make 2025 the awesomest year yet! My personal plan is to enjoy every bit of the student life while also nurturing my creativity. And who knows, maybe I'll even run into someone who's into me as much as I'm into them. 🤗🤞❤️

One Love,
-filipp

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